


Hate To Say That I Miss You

by lucianowriter



Series: Sing To Me Instead [1]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: AU - New York City, David has chronic panic attacks, M/M, Post Break-up, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29387922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucianowriter/pseuds/lucianowriter
Summary: David has known Patrick since their sophomore year in college when they became dormmates. It's been ten years since they met and six years since they broke up. Despite having not contacted each other in years, when David has the worst panic attack he's ever experienced the person he turns to is Patrick.Fic is inspired from Bad Habit by Ben Platt. This is the start of my Sing to Me Instead fic series.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: Sing To Me Instead [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2158827
Comments: 8
Kudos: 96





	Hate To Say That I Miss You

**Author's Note:**

> I've been listening to Ben Platt's album on repeat for the last few weeks. I got this idea in my head that each song on that album should inspire a fic about David and Patrick. And thus my series was born. Back in 2019 I actually wrote 2 fics for 2 of the songs on this album, those fics will be added to this series. 
> 
> I am going to try and upload each fic in the order the songs appear on the album. Some of these fics will be in the same universe as each other, but some of them will be totally separate. Don't worry, I will let you know if a fic is part of another fic's universe.
> 
> PS: There will be more fics in this universe. I refuse to leave David and Patrick broken up.

**Present**

Panic attacks were part of the norm for David. In his 30 years of life, he had experienced them more times than he could count. However, in the past decade, they had definitely increased in frequency. Since leaving college and moving to the heart of New York City more and more things were able to trigger him.

However, this last one had really rocked him to his core. It had been an hour and he was still shaking, still slightly breathless. In the past, he could put his head between his knees and close his eyes to stave off the effects of one such attack. Unfortunately, since he started dating Sebastien his attacks came almost weekly and nothing could lessen their magnitude.

Something about his current relationship put him constantly on edge. A part of him definitely knows that Sebastien isn’t in it for David, he’s in it for what David can give him. It’s a fact that is kept buried deep under the surface. Which his therapist would remind him is the foundation for triggers of panic attacks. David really needs to walk away, but he doesn’t have the courage to be the one to end it.

Sebastien is known for reminding him that he’s lucky to have Sebastien at all. David is too much to handle and only people like his current paramour can handle it. If David were more confident he would believe his brain when it told him that Sebastien didn’t know how to “handle” him but he sure was great at ignoring him.

With shaking hands David pulls out his phone — seeking out that warm feeling that calms him. It’s becoming harder and harder to find. Not even his job gives him the same comfort anymore. As he’s scrolling through his social timeline he sees a post from someone he hasn’t spoken to since college. They dated for a hot second and went their separate ways after breaking up despite having been friends first. 

They aren’t friends on their socials but they have mutual friends so occasionally his image will show up on David’s wall. Patrick. The one guy who truly owned David’s heart. David has learned how to manage his panic attacks on his own during the last handful of years because of Patrick. Patrick had shown him he could, but a part of Patrick also never wanted him to. 

David definitely missed the warmth and courage that Patrick’s presence used to give him after his attacks. Unfortunately, David burned that bridge years ago.

Without thinking, David finds Patrick’s contact in his phone and hits the dial button. Before David could spaz out and hang up, Patrick picks up. 

“Hello.” Patrick pauses before adding, “David?”

**Ten Years Ago**

David was in the middle of unpacking his sweaters when the door opened. He turned slightly to see who it was. Standing in the doorway was a boy with a megawatt, yet shy, smile and milky brown eyes. David cleared his throat hoping to tamp down on his sudden feelings for this stranger.

“Can I help you?” David raised an eyebrow.

“Patrick Brewer. I guess we are roommates,” Patrick shoved his hand forward into David’s face as he stepped in the room and tossed his suitcase onto the other bed.

“David Rose.” David quickly shook the boy’s hand and then let the touch drop. He did best when he didn’t try to connect or make friends. Knowing people just led to disappointment, his parents taught him that from a young age. 

“I’m a business major. It’s my sophomore year, but my old roommate Mutt got himself a steady girlfriend so they moved in together. Great for him, bad for our dorm situation. So I was late to sign up for a new roommate and now here we are.” Patrick’s enthusiasm didn’t seem to be dampened by David’s indifference in the slightest.

David didn’t respond, after all, Patrick hadn’t asked a question. Instead, he carefully placed all of his personal items on his side of the room. He’d already put his high thread count Egyptian cotton sheets on the bed. Now he was simply adjusting the placement of his skincare products and personal hygiene items.

“Wow! That’s a lot of creams. Rachel didn’t have nearly that many!” Patrick’s cheerful voice was suddenly closer. It shocks David and he turns suddenly. The two end up right against each other and David’s eyes go to Patrick’s lips.

“Umm. Sorry about that.” Patrick jumped back and his left hand went straight to his wavy brown hair to rub it nervously. “So, um, what is your major?”

“Art,” David said curtly. His voice going cold to avoid revealing just how much he liked being that close to Patrick. 

Their relationship as roommates takes quite a while to even get off the ground. David isn’t interested in being friendly with anyone. He just wants to get through school and work with the art elite of New York City. One day he hopes to curate his own art gallery and make a name for himself as more than just the son of Johnny and Moira Rose. It’s bad enough having one famous parent, but two is just a tabloid nightmare. 

Then toward the end of their sophomore year, David and Patrick finally come together in the most unlikely of ways — for Ted’s Third Floor Game Night. These game nights were a monthly tradition for their floor that David usually avoided. During the heyday of school, it was easy to use homework or studying as an excuse. Patrick never pushed him. But the May event came right before finals and Patrick wasn’t taking no for an answer.

“David. Come on, please? I need a partner tonight because we are playing team games. You know Scattergories and Charades. Please! I can’t be the only singleton there.”

“Patrick.” David puts his pencil down gently and looks at his roommate evenly. “I know this might be hard for you to wrap your head around but some people just don’t play well with others.”

“Nonsense. I know you close yourself off because you think it’s safer that way, but I’m determined to get you out for one event this year. I even bet Ted. He doesn’t think you will.”

David sighs because he knows that he is sold. If there is one thing he loves it’s proving people wrong. The tabloids say he’s just a party boy who won’t amount to anything? He proves them wrong by going to college. Ted bets he won’t ever show up to a game night, well then dammit he is gonna show up to a game night. 

“Fine. But I make all the executive decisions for the team.” David rolls his eyes. Patrick was cute, but that wasn’t enough to break down David’s hard and fast rule of living life in the solo lane.

“Ok, David.” Somehow no matter how nasty David was to him, Patrick never stopped being amused by David. The reasoning is completely beyond his comprehension.

“Let’s get this over with.” David grouses and heads for the door and his fate.

“Trust me, you’re gonna love it.” Ironically, David finds himself actually believing the words coming out of his roommate’s mouth. A warmth spreads through him as he makes eye contact with the ever-eager Patrick. Maybe just maybe making a friend isn’t so bad.

**Present**

“David? Are you there?” Patrick’s voice comes through the phone. Despite everything, David did to him all those years ago his tone is gentle, kind, and concerned. 

“Yeah.” David finally found his voice and it comes out extremely shaky. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have called.”

David goes to hang up but Patrick’s voice stops him. “Wait! Don’t hang up. It’s never a mistake for you to reach out.”

David rolls his eyes as if Patrick can see him. Of course, leave it up to Patrick “constantly positive” Brewer to act as though they hadn’t just spent the last six years avoiding each other. A part of him reached out to this man, that’s gotta count for something, right? 

“H-how are you?” Patrick’s suddenly nervous as if he’s finally realized how they left things isn’t the best.

David doesn’t know what to say so he lets the silence linger between them. How does he apologize for the last six years? How does he take back the ways in which he hurt Patrick? Is it too little too late?

David heard Patrick clear his throat and then speak again. “I’ve wanted to call you so many times since —,”

“That day,” David whispers, wanting so much to say anything else. He wants to somehow fix what happened as if he wasn’t the one to smolder that bridge to the ground.

**Eight Years Ago**

The first time David let Patrick see one of his panic attacks was actually not intentional. They were all at a bonfire celebrating their graduation when David felt the tell-tale signs that his walls were caving in. He stared into the fire hoping the focus would save him.

Unfortunately, Ted came up to him and grabbed him into a hug, and screamed “we did it!” before running off to his next victim. David’s body went rigid and his breaths came in short. 

His vision was swimming so he flailed hopelessly to propel himself forward and away from the crowd. No one seems to notice and he lurches through their bodies falling deeper and deeper into the darkness that is closing in. Once the darkness around him matches the darkness in his mind he collapses on the ground and curls his body within himself. 

His breaths are painful and tight and the world around him feels heavier with each passing second. Then, just like that a simple touch on his shoulder brings him back into focus. Normally, people touching him during an attack sends him into defense mode and he lashes out. But something about this particular touch sends vibrations through his system that staves off the encroaching blackness.

“Shh. David. It’s ok. You’re safe with me.” Patrick’s melodic voice helps David realize he is crying and gasping for each breath. 

He can’t respond, but he knows that Patrick already knows that. So they sit there in silence until David’s world rights itself and he begins to feel normal again. It’s the worst attack he’s ever had and it’s also the best recovery he’s ever known. As he comes down from it he finds himself leaning into Patrick’s touch and his body for stability.

Maybe just maybe friends weren’t so bad after all.

“It’s always nice to have a friend. One who can quiet the noise in your head and let you relax into the silence.” Patrick states quietly, his fingers lightly drawing circles on David’s shoulder in comfort, his eyes looking straight ahead instead of at David.

**Present**

“David, you don’t call or text or even see me for six years. Then you call out of the blue and give me nothing. Are you ok?” Patrick’s voice is obviously a mixture of hurt and concern, but David knows the man is more worried than anything. 

“It was really bad this time.” David’s voice comes out small and quiet. He’s nervous that Patrick will reject him, which he has every right to do. 

“Shouldn’t you call what’s his name? Stefan?” Patrick gets Sebastien’s name wrong on purpose. David knows that despite how Patrick may seem he never once stopped thinking about David or keeping tabs on his life. Much like David has done with Patrick.

“I,” David starts but pauses, not wanting to admit the awful truth. “He umm. He left the party we were at with another guy.”

Patrick doesn’t reply for a second and when he does his words are kind and soft. “How long did this one last?”

“Over an hour.”

“David.” His voice breaks David’s heart and David lets the tears out. He hasn’t cried in front of someone in years. Not since Patrick. It feels nice to finally have this release.

**Six Years Ago**

David turned around and around looking over his handy work. He was only 24, but Antonia had said he showed promise. So, six months into his new gig as an art curator for NYC’s most prestigious gallery, he was given his own show to organize and plan. Patrick was so proud of him. They’d only just started dating a few months ago — right after his first big gallery show — but David is happy. Patrick is the first person to see all of him, something that is so refreshing. 

When the panic sets in his chest, Patrick is there with a steady hand and a warm smile. Nobody has ever been able to ease his mind like that before or since. He checks the time on his phone and sees a short text from Patrick wishing him well.

His boyfriend would be at the show later, but that was still hours away and David still has much to settle. He is so up in his own head that he doesn’t hear his sister, Alexis, approach. The clack of her heels should give her away, but David is focused on making sure all his ducks are in a row. Nothing can go wrong tonight if he ever wants to show his face in the art world again.

“Eww, David your hair is all flat!” Alexis shrieks pulling him from his paperwork.

“I haven’t gotten ready for the show yet. I’m leaving in an hour to get ready and then pick up Patrick.” David rolls his eyes at his sister and then moves to inspect each art piece on display. 

“So you’re still seeing him?” Alexis’s voice holds a tinge of judgment, which David doesn’t like.

“That’s usually what happens when you have a boyfriend.”

“No, I know. It’s just. Is he really the right look for you? He’s a nobody and you’re trying to become somebody. I just worry he’s going to hold you back is all.” Alexis lightly touches his shoulder and gives her signature pout and concerned eyes.

“He’s not holding me back. We’re perfect.” David reaffirms, to both reassure her and himself.

But was Alexis right?

**Present**

“Look I know I fucked things up for us beyond repair, but I just really needed your voice tonight.” David finally admits through the silence.

“You didn’t.” Patrick quietly replies.

“What?” David is already feeling calmer than he has in years. Maybe the person he is with Patrick isn’t the worst version of himself after all.

“I mean, sure I was heartbroken and confused. But I’ve had six years to think and reflect. Despite everything I could never connect with another person as I did with you. Believe me, I’ve tried.” Patrick explains ending with a small huff of a laugh.

“I think that’s why I’m always on edge. My brain was constantly seeking out comfort and connection. Each new person I attach myself to pulls me further and further from what I really need.” The air between them, over the miles, crackles with an unsaid tension.

“And what do you need David?” Patrick is all-knowing and David finds he can’t lie to that.

“You.”

**Six Years Ago**

David stumbles into his apartment, drunk. Tonight couldn’t have gone any worse if he tried. Stupid Alexis getting inside his head all the time. If she’s kept her mouth shut then maybe he wouldn’t have been obsessing about his image and he wouldn’t have had a panic attack in the middle of the gallery. 

Patrick, bless his heart had tried to help, but with it being so public, his efforts only served to make it worse. David was always a bit temperamental when he got anxious like that, but tonight he was just plain cruel. There was no reason for him to dismiss Patrick like that, not when Patrick was really his only friend.

_Friends are just life’s way of disappointing you._ The words hit his brain and he wants a drink to dull them out. 

He tries to switch gears and convince himself that pushing Patrick away is the best thing for both of them. After all, Patrick deserves better than to spend his life looking out for David. He’ll always be looking over his shoulder and wondering when David is gonna do his next massive screw up. No, Patrick deserves better.

David pulls out his bottle of emergency Vodka from the freezer and drinks it down. Better to fall asleep drunk than to live with the voices currently bouncing around in his head. Between telling him he did the best thing and chastising him for breaking sweet Patrick they aren’t giving him any rest. Better to blackout and feel nothing — at least then he can hold it all off until morning. 

**Present**

David throws a shaking hand over his mouth in the hopes it’ll stop his word vomit. Ever since their break-up, he’s insisted on being a quieter more reserved person. It wasn’t fair of him to dump all this on Patrick, especially considering their history.

Patrick sighs and in a pained voice replies, “better not let Stefan hear you say that.”

“It’s Sebastien, which I’m sure you know,” David mumbles before he can stop himself. “Besides he would actually have to be here to hear that. He’s only around when the cameras are.”

David groans the minute he realizes that once again he’s revealed too much. The silence on Patrick’s end tells him this was probably all a mistake. He is about to say as much when Patrick finally responds.

“Why now? Why me?”

“You once said it’s nice to have a friend who lets you exist in the silence. I guess the noise was getting too loud and I really needed it to go away.” David whispers, a part of him hoping Patrick won’t be able to hear him.

“I hope I could help.” Patrick’s voice is earnest, like he wants to say more but doesn’t think he’s allowed.

“More than you could ever know.” David looks at his clock and sees that it is now after three in the morning. “Well, I should probably let you go.”

“David?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m so glad you called. I’m here. Anytime.”

With that, they hang up and David feels the lightest he’s ever been. With a deep breath, he leans back against his pillows and goes to sleep. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Please give kudos and comments. In case you aren't aware, these are how a writer determines whether or not what they are doing is worthwhile.


End file.
